The Imagination of Marie

Yet it has happened again. I was not looking for love. It just showed up one day clear out of the blue. I grew very fond of it. I got used to it being in my life. Guess what? It decided to walk out the door. Am I suprised? I am not at all suprised. Hurt maybe, but not suprised it left. I am used to that happening in my life. I am begining to realize that love comes and goes. It doesn't stick around. I think it is because in the society today we get confused about what love really is. To me love never stays in my life. I was an adult before I truely experienced what love was. Was it true love? Probably not, because they say that true love sticks around. Love NEVER sticks it out with me. Am I unloveable? No, I am very loveable. I just unfortunately haven't found the person who thinks that I am. lol Do they exsist? Only God knows this for sure. I have made many mistakes in my time. One of which was very recent. If you are reading this, I TRUELY am sorry for what I did to you. I can only hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I am putting all of my hurt, pain, and sorrow into God's hands now. It is up to him when you can forgive me. And, I pray that in the meantime, you know that I will always carry "us" in my scrapbook of life.

 

I am hopeful that I will find true love one day. It may even be with someone with whom I have already met or been with. They say that people change. So, I guess I will have to wait and see. Until my lady comes into my life, I am going to love me with every breath within my body. Because, I know that I am a priceless individual. Not to come across as being "goody goody", because it has taken me 27years to get to the point of loving myself. Many of the "mistakes" I have made has shown me that I am worth the battle. Now, I need my knightress in shining armour to come to my rescue. Are you my hero?

Well my dear friends, me and Miranda are no longer a couple. She is still battleing her feelings for her ex gf. I on the other hand fell head over heals for Miranda thinking if I just showed her how much I could love her she would choose to be with me. So, Miranda and I are very close friends. Well, that is what she labels us as. I have stayed the past two nights with her. I slept in her bed with her. The first night, we didn't touch at all until she had a few bad dreams. I asked her if I could snuggle with her. She mumbled yes, and then a few minutes later in her sleep, she pulls away from me. Then last night, as we were getting ready to go to bed, her ex calls. They talked for about an hour and a half and Miranda got so hurt with their conversation. Her ex doesn't want to be back with her, and it is hard for Miranda to come to terms with that. Because she loves her dearly. I was the one who was there to hold her though. That is what I want to be for her. And I want her to see that about me. I love Miranda with all of my heart. Now, my question is, should I give this time and let her find healing, and wait on her? Or, am I going to get hurt in the long run? Love is such a difficult issue for me.

Today is the day people. Today is my stepping stone that I must cross alone. This is the b-day of my deceased child. I have chosen this day to let my baby go. It has been 15 long, tearful, years. Shana Marie if you can see me typing this from your forever home, please know that mommy loves you with all of her heart. I will never forget you, but I must move on with my life. I have spent many years holding on to your memory and not allowing myself to love anyone else, because I have put all of my love into loving you. Shana, please know that no matter where life takes me, I will carry you in my heart. Farewell my child and please know that you are a precious little one. I love you....

 

 

Why do fools fall in love? I am in a new "relationship". I really enjoy being in the company of her. She makes me smile. She makes me laugh. She is such an inspiration to me. I have definately found that I have grown to love this girl. Her name is Miranda. She is three years older than me. The only thing is, she has been hurt so many times over the years. And now, she is so scared that I am going to do the same thing to her. I am taking this "relationship" one day at a time, so that I can show her on a daily basis that I am in this for the long haul. I NEVER make a promise that I can't keep. And the wonderful thing is, she is the same way. So, I know when she makes me a promise she intends to keep it. She is also afraid that I will not like her "ways" once I get to know her better. Why can't that be my decision? Why can't I choose who I want to love? I want to show her how genuine of a person I can be.

I just wanted to catch up on this blog. I am presently no longer in my relationship with Kenya. I decided she wasn't the right one for me. She wants totally different things out of life than I do. I am now seeing someone else. Her name is Miranda. She is 30 years old. She is more of a dominant person. She wants to take care of me. It helps me feel safe. We are still in the new process at this time. But, I will try and keep you informed in the future. Life is definately not what it seems to be.

 

I am in the process of moving in with my friend as well. It will help me so much financially. It is just to hard to live alone these days. I hope you all are doing well, and I promise to stay in touch this time. Love you all and will talk with you soon.

 

Marie