The Imagination of Marie

I just got home from a long day at work. My client had to be rushed to the hospital so needless to say it has been a long day. Something happened last night with me and Michelle. I went into one of my episodes of whether I was in the right relationship or not. You see I am a Christian. And I am also a lesbian. I find it very difficult to juggle both of those things at the same time. On two different occasions I have questioned whether I should be with women or not. So I went back and tested the waters again with men. Needless to say I always came back to women. Being with women is more to me than sex. To be honest sex really isn't that important to me. But the intimacy is where my heart is involved. I enjoy the closeness I have with women.

 

So there I lay in bed last night talking to Michelle telling her that I have been having dreams about being with men. I hurt her heart so badly. She told me I needed to take some time to figure out exactly what it is that I wanted. She got up and left the room and slept in the other bedroom. My heart was ripping apart. I lay there thinking what in the world did I just do. I just hurt the one person that would go to the ends of the earth to protect me from being hurt. I have that pattern though. I let someone get so close to me, then I run. I promised Michelle through this whole relationship that my running shoes were off. And there I was trying to lace them up and run from her.

 

Well no matter how bad I hurt her, she got up this morning and packed my lunch for me, and then she woke me up for work. She went back to bed and started to send me heartfelt texts while I was getting ready for work. I went in and told her I would text her back when I got to work. She was crying. I felt horrible. I went to work. She and I swapped texts for a long time. Then she asked me to call her. So I did. She was crying. She told me that I was her reason to keep going. That I was going to leave her that she wasn't going to fight to keep the things she has. My heart ached. I told her straight from my heart that I wasn't going to leave her. And I mean that. No matter who continues to try and bring DRAMA into our lives. I am not going to let it push me away from her. I am not letting anything get in my way this time.

 

I love this woman more than I have ever loved anyone before. She is my soon to be wife. I simply cannot imagine my life without her. I know I have a wondering eye reading this blog. So please tell your girl to leave us alone. Michelle is sooooo done with her and her drama. Let us live our lives in peace.

So I sit here with a major toothache thinking about my love for Michelle. We have both been faced with a few obstacles in our lives. But our love and support for one another has helped us get through it all. We have been toying with the idea of moving on with our lives in a year or so. A fresh, new start. I think it would be good for us. Not to mention we could move to a bigger city so that we will have more support for the life we are choosing to live. I will greatly miss my family and my godchildren. But we just keep getting drama thrown up in our faces and to be honest it got old before it even started.  We are trying to build a wonderful life together and we want to be a strong and powerful couple.

 

We were wanting to take a vacation this summer but I am just not sure that we can do it at this point. We have tried so hard to save money but things keep happening and end up having to spend our savings. Maybe someday we will hit it lucky and win the lottery! But as they say you have to play to win.....

 

Well I am going to deal with this major toothache now. I am taking antibiotics but I just started them last night. So it will be a few days before I see a difference. Have a good day all.

Michelle and I have an eventful last couple of days. During therapy last week I was told that my diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder was misdiagnosed. So there I was sitting in therapy feeling more lost than I ever had. She says my problem is I am emotionally and physically disconnected. I need to allow myself to feel and express my emotions. So my process of taking my armour off started on Friday night. During an intimate moment with Michelle I started to cry so hard. But she kept saying, "open your eyes and see me". That was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It is my response to difficult things to close my eyes, drop my head, and cry. And then I started to tell Michelle about things that I had never told her about. Then Saturday night we spent a couple of hours talking again. She tells me she is more in love with me now because I am opening up and being 100% honest with her. How can I allow someone to love me? Running has always been my response to love and being "comfortable". I have always believed I was unloveable. Michelle says I have a golden heart. What does that mean? That I am a good person? How could someone see that in me. But at the same time I want to see what everyone else sees in me. I am told by many people that I am a very good person with many things to be proud of. Well, I guess I should try and go back to bed and cuddle with Michelle. She woke up because I wasn't in bed. She always knows when I am missing. Could it be love?

Here I sit at 1am questioning many things about my life. It is hard living a life that happens one day at a time. I wake up late, go into work and work my shift, come home and go to bed. I have the most wonderful woman in the world to share my life with. She is simply amazing. We have both been under so much stress and pressure lately and it sometimes takes its toll on me and us. I love her more than anything. I pray to God nothing comes between us. It is hard living a life of being sexually abused from 5-12 yrs old. And two weeks after your 12th bday party I found out I was pregnant by my molester. I was forced into having an abortion. Which might I add I am still in recovery of the emotions and loss of that baby. The baby was created in unfortunate circumstances but it was a part of me. So I have spent the last 17 yrs grieving. And for the first time in my life I have a wonderful lifemate to hold my hand when I am having a "down" day. I can't tell you how I am feeling right now. My life is so hard to live. Sometimes I find that I struggle to stay alive. It is not fair to Michelle at all. She deserves so much better than me. But she desires to share her life with me. I am so thankful for her. Anyone have any advice on how to let go of hurt feelings from past relationships and allowing my parter to love me the way she wants to?

We have finally done it. Michelle and I got our first home together. Sure money is going to be very tight until August because I still have to pay the rent at my apartment because I have a lease there until July. But I will do what I have to do in order to be with Michelle. I want to be able to come home to her every night. I want to lay in her arms as I fall asleep. No more driving two and a half hours to stay the night with her. I am so excited. The best thing about us is that we are both clean freaks. So our home will always be clean and organized. I am more organized than she is. But I am sure I will rub off on her quickly. She is already helping me file papers on her own. So I think this relationship is headed in the right direction. I love this woman so much. We have already been through so much together. I can't wait to see what else is in store for us.

 

On another note, will everyone pray for Michelle. She has been in so much pain lately with her tumor in her back. She doesn't have medical insurance so we can't seek treatment. I am just trying to comfort her in every way that I know how. It hurts my heart to see her in pain. She is fighting so hard to not take any pain medicine. On top of that we have been trying to find her a management position so she can make better money. But unfortunately noone is hiring right now. She has tried everywhere. We are not giving up though. We are fighters.

 

Well I need to finish loading the car. Take care everyone.